Breathe

One day at a time. Breathe. That's my secret to making it through our NICU journey, it's how Mason is making it through too, it's how any of us do. 

I often get asked how my baby is doing is. There are so many ways that I could answer that question. And if I were to always be truthful, my answer would vary vastly depending on the exact moment that I was asked. The simple answer is that he's really doing GREAT! His brain is perfect, his heart is perfect, his digestive tract is perfect, his eyes are perfect (much to the surprise of the doctors!), he has ten perfect little toes and ten perfect little fingers. It's just his lungs that are not okay.

[Mason around 11 weeks old, his should-have-been birthday]

Breathing. You're not supposed to have to think about it. But for my baby, it's the biggest struggle of his life. He fights every single day to get his little lungs stronger and stronger. And I'm so incredibly proud of him. My heart is so full of love for this little baby, that often it physically hurts. 

[Mason is now almost 13 weeks old over 9 pounds, he even has little rolls on his legs and arms]

We really do take things one day at time. Some days are great days, and some days there are set backs. At any given moment, I am one thought, one word, one act of kindness away from tears - whether they be happy tears or sad tears. Mason's life is still fragile and the enormity of our situation still weighs heavily on us - not just me, but my husband, my other son, our families. But day by day we do it.

[A trip to the mailbox left me in tears of pure gratitude after opening a surprise early birthday present - the mantra bands - pictured at the top - that I have wanted since I was first admitted in the hospital]

I often get overwhelmed by the kindness of people. The outpouring of love. The willingness of people to help out, encourage us, pray for us. I assure you, I know I have not said thank you enough, but every act is so appreciated and it's the love and support that makes this all doable. 

As for now, it's one day at time. I spend as much time at the hospital as I can while trying to balance it with spending time with Jack. That is one of the hardest things - the pain I feel from not being with Mason all the time and the pain I feel when I'm not with Jack. I want to be with both of them, at the same time, at home - our little family of four all together. I love them both so much that it breaks my heart not being there fully for either of them. 

[A rare moment. Both boys together. Sharing nap time. Moments like these fill my heart and refresh my spirit.] 

 The once unfamiliar and cold NICU has now become a second home. I spend the majority of my days there. I didn't want to get to know the nurses, the doctors, the respiratory therapists, the many people that work in the NICU. The reality is that we have been here a long time, and will be for a while yet, and Mason's team really does care about us. When Jack comes to visit, the greeters welcome him by name, ask how his birthday party was, if he had fun at Grandma's house. The doctors and nurses that I pass in the hall wave or stop to say hello, ask me how I'm doing. The cleaning crew smiles at me and asks how my baby is doing. As much as it pains me that we have been here long enough for much of the NICU staff to know us, it is also comforting to have so many people rooting for Mason. 

[This is where you can find me any given day. Skin to skin time with my baby boy. Trying to enjoy this time, cherish these moments with him.]

It's okay to not be okay...Don't be afraid...There's still hope here...Let His love wrap around you, hold you close, get lost in the surrender. Breathe it in, until your heart breaks, then exhale. -Plum "Exhale"

[This song, on so many levels, speaks directly to my heart. Just take a listen.]

[My strong little baby. My love.]

We are all learning how to breathe. Please pray for us - we need it <3

To read about Meghan's journey from the beginning, click HERE